Who is dressed more poorly tonight? Steven Tyler or J. Lo’s thighs? It’s her thighs isn’t it? We shall call her thighs thing 1 and thing 2.
Let’s just get this out of the way: I have no qualification for judging music. None whatsoever. I’m just going with what I feel so just assume that I’m going to be wrong most of the time.
Which essentially puts me in league with the judges by the way. I fastforward through most of their commentary because it’s so inane. J Lo is a more well-spoken Paula, Randy could be replaced with a walrus dressed like a hipster and none of us would notice and Steven Tyler is such a burnout that he’s the only one I listen to. I’m constantly waiting for him to say things like, “That song was great, Bro. But think about this: what if the Princess really loves Bowser and Mario keeps kidnapping her? Have you ever thought of that, man?”
But overall, they are just the worst. There’s no bad cop. There’s not even a competent cop. It’s just Good Cop, Good Cop, Stoner Cop.
Note for tonight: the guys are singing Stevie Wonder and the girls are singing Whitney.
Seacrest Wardrobe Watch
Isn’t Seacrest the best? I mean that. He’s the standard. He’s the best host, he makes you think he cares about everything and he looks like the spawn of a sexual liaison between a Brooks Brothers and J. Crew catalog. I have nothing but love for Ryan.
Faux Pas Content of Randy’s Wardrobe
High. He’s got an animal skin jacket color and some kind of lego badge? I don’t know. He looks like a Japanese teenage girl dressed him.
Onto the music!!
Joshua seems like a guy ill-suited for this competition but generally really, really good. And when I say ill-suited, I mean white tween girls probably won’t be interested in him.
Song: I Wish
Appearance: Is that a blazer OVER a cardigan? Or is that just a sweater vest? NO MATTER. It’s amazing. It’s probably not too early to say that, fashion-wise, I live vicariously through American Idol.
Execution: Lots of soulful yelling. Also, did the song end up sounding a lot like Will Smith’s Wild Wild West in parts? No I’m serious. It really, really did.
I think Elise and I would be good friends. Both of us seem to have authority issues.
Song: Greatest Love of All
Appearance: Standard sparkly shoes and dress. Strange not to see her with a hat. I kinda expected her to be like John Olerud and wear a hat everywhere.
Execution: I don’t know if she’s nailing the song, but I like her. This probably isn’t her best jam, but she seems like someone who imposes her style and will on any song she comes across.
For the record, Jermaine is my LEAST favorite contestant. He has zero chance at winning and watching him is like listening to the Cowardly Lion sing while getting a tobasco enema. Part of this is because I don’t see the appeal and the other half is a HUGE amount of resentment that Jermaine took David Leathers Jr’s rightful spot among the top 24.
Song: Knocks Me Off My Feet
Appearance: Looks like he scoured Kanye’s garbage and came out with a plastic letterman’s jacket with a pink polo underneath it. I could not dislike a contestant more at this moment.
Execution: (Snore.) At least he didn’t sob and bring out his Mom this time though.
I bet Erika is really nice in person but I somehow doubt she lasts longer than a few weeks. She just does nothing well and those red highlights are so late ’90s.
Song: I Believe In You And Me
Appearance: A red prom dress with weird straps.
Execution: She sounded like a middling American Idol contestant’s impersonation of Whitney. I don’t get the contestants who show up and just sing bad versions of popular songs. Isn’t the point to put your own spin on it? Lastly, doesn’t she have the most AWKWARD hands? ANSWER: Yes she does.
GUH Colton seems SUPER self-obsessed and like he takes himself entirely too serious. That being said, I think he’s really good and I think his sister is super resentful that he’s in the top 11 and she’s at home.
Appearance: Like the Emo – AntiChrist. Skinny Jeans, Black blonde mohawk, ironic cuff links and a wallet chain. Just a guess, we’re three weeks away from him wearing eyeliner.
Execution: Being completely out of his element, it seemed to be really good. Colton may be as unlikable as Mitt Romney, but he’s extremely talented.
This is my wife’s favorite contestant because she resembles Hermione. I just thought that was worth mentioning.
Song: I Have Nothing
Uh oh. This song may be a little large for Shannon.
Appearance: Like she’s come straight from the set of Grease 4.
Execution: You know how everyone has that friend who says they can eat like SO much? So invariably, you take them to a steakhouse where they serve a 42 oz steak and they get a free t-shirt and picture of themselves in the restaurant if they eat it all. What usually happens is that they eat 10 oz of the steak, vomit all over themselves and you have to drive them home. Tonight, Shannon was that friend.
Song: Master Blaster
Appearance: This isn’t fair because his hair drives me INSANE. It makes me want to throw a lawnmower at it. Other than that though, he’s pimping the Jamaican thing pretty hard and seemingly he’s pulling it off.
Execution: I don’t know. It sounds like every other Marley song I’ve ever heard. It makes me think of Paul Rudd saying “SLAP DA BASS MON” infinity times during I Love You, Man. Watching him move is like watching a Jamaican Taylor Hicks.
FYI: Steven Tyler just said “Patois.”
Song: Where Do Broken Hearts Go
Jimmy asked her if she’d ever sung Whitney before. Legit LOL. Jimmy, she sang Fancy by Reba a few weeks ago. Does she SEEM like someone who has sung Whitney before?
Appearance: Oh my. She’s a ADD sufferer’s nightmare. Snakeskin pants, gigantic earrings, a centurion’s bracelet and a white blazer with shoulder pads from Paula Poundstone’s closet.
Execution: Good I guess? Everything sounds like Reba to me. These country contestants just make everything sound country and it’s really disorienting to perceive if it was good or not.
Isn’t Heejun the best? Not really. He’s like the guy who you meet and cracks tons of jokes and it’s awesome and then 4 hours later, he’s still cracking jokes and you’re like, “Can you just stop doing that now?” I feel like he’s trying to be the Asian Zooey Deschanel and that’s INSULTING because Zooey Deschanel IS the Asian Zooey Deschanel because she transcends race or ethnicity.
Song: All is Fair In Love
Appearance:Classy. Elegant. Asian Buble? ASIAN BUBLE.
Execution: Boring. Different Day, Same Style. I feel like Heejun is a guy with a good voice, but technically he isn’t up to snuff with the top 11 talent, but he’s here because he’s Heejun Deschanel who works with the mentally disabled.
In my limited opinion, I think Hollie has the best voice of the group. She doesn’t seem to have a ton of charisma as of yet so who knows, but her Yankee accent is the best. Have we ever had a Yankee contestant? Can Yankees even sing well or are their voices so awful that it prohibits them? I’m truly asking. It’s like seeing a scientist with a thick southern accent. Just very strange.
Song: He Fills Me Up
Appearance: Like she’s an extra from Bobby.
Execution: Seems a little flat. She’s got a huge voice, but she seems a little robotic and unsure of what she’s doing.
Probably my favorite contestant. Seems like the sweetest kid in the world. Like a big latin teddy bear.
Song: Ribbon In The Sky
Appearance: Smooth with a cardy and unbuttoned button up.
Execution: Seems like the definition of pitchy. He’s the first guy I noticed that seemed really, really nervous.
Song: I Will Always Love You
Wow. she’s got some bobos on her for doing this song.
Appearance: Pretty standard formal wear. Blue dress and the stage makes her look like she’s performing on a cloud.
Execution: Decent. Not great. Not awful. Randy and J. Lo act like she’s just rewritten the Constitution, but if you sing that song you need to destroy it and she pulled up at the big moments, right?
By the way, I love how J Lo weighs on in song quality when she needs a super computer and lab of 40 PhD’s to make her voice sound passable. When was her last relevant moment? Was it Gigli? Or was it recently when the guy that looks like anorexic Frankenstein divorced her? But hey, you go ahead and shamelessly plug yourself on behalf of Kohls and Fiat as though you matter enough to be a pitch person.
Phillip Phillips McPhillipson
I just love his name. I want to talk to his parents and be like, “So yeah…what happened here?”
Appearance: Dave Matthews Couture
Execution: Very Dave Matthewsy. I guess I enjoyed it? Lots of white guy jamming and at least it was an interpretation that departed significantly from the original so at least there’s that.
J. Lo’s Goosies Count
1 – Erika
Randy’s ‘Yo’ Count
8 Trillion – Everyone
How Many Psychedelic Mushrooms Did Steven Eat Prior to This Taping?
Best Steven Tyler Quote:
“Jessica…you…maybe the one. You just made 40 million people cry.”
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I love it. Thanks Steven. Listening to you makes me hate J Lo less.
Best Steven Tyler Quote Runner Up:
“Phillip, you just are. You know what I’m saying? You’re welcome.”