I know, I know. Blasphemy. But think about it. What do Ross and Rachel really have in common, anyway? And they didn’t really date for that long over the span of the series. They just kept randomly hooking up and having babies and getting married. Other than those trivial things, no connection.
I propose that Joey would have made a lot more sense as Rachel’s lobster (anyone?).
Why? I’ll tell you.
[Note: If you haven't watched the entire series, there are spoilers in this post. But I use the term "spoilers" loosely because it's been almost 10 years since the series ended. So I don't really feel bad. Well, I do a little, because if this disclaimer applies to you, your life is incomplete.]
1. Neither take life too seriously (ahem, Ross).
Exhibit A: both laugh at “homo erectus” during Ross’s keynote speech in Barbados.
Exhibit B: Rachel teaches Ross’s son, Ben, how to prank him. Ross is not amused.
Exhibit C: Joey’s entire lifestyle.
2. Ross turns into a soggy marshmallow whenever he’s dating Rachel. Is it just me or does Rachel totally wear the pants in this relationship? Watching them interact when they are officially “together” is like watching a chihuahua pout and whine in order to get food from the table while you’re trying to eat dinner. At first you sympathize with it because you feel bad, but then it just gets annoying and you kind of want to kick it in the face. Grow a spine, dude.
3. Joey has enough nerve to confess his love for Rachel, even when he didn’t know how she would react, which Ross only contemplates about 3849 times throughout the series but pretty much never actually does. Let’s do a side-by-side comparison, shall we? Joey’s version: “I’m falling in love with you.” Ross’s version: “Uh, I just uh, wanted to see if you, y’know, wanted to maybe…start things up again?” [insert slow clap here]
4. Joey could beat Ross up.
5. Rachel could beat Ross up.
6. Joey makes more money because he’s on a soap opera, and Ross just teaches unenthusiastic college students about dinosaurs (hey, a girl’s gotta eat). Rachel also likes soap operas better than dinosaurs. Proven fact.
7. They were clearly better roommates than Ross & Rachel were. Ross hid messages from Rachel and was constantly jealous of any guy she dated. Joey would never do that. He’s too loyal. And not very good at being stealth.
8. Ross says Rachel’s name at his wedding to Emily, then leaves Rachel to go on his honeymoon alone. Really? That’s just on him.
9. When Joey is secretly in love with Rachel, he holds it in out of respect for Ross. When the truth finally comes out and Rachel starts dating Joey, Ross’s epic freakout reaches a point in which he pulls tater tots out of the oven without using oven mitts–even though he hadn’t actually dated Rachel in six years. He’s also dating Charlie at the time, who he kind of stole from Joey in the first place. Joey handles this whole situation like a pro. Point Joey.
10. Ross can’t flirt.
11. If she married Joey, she wouldn’t have to be Ben’s other step-mom (see: Susan), nor would she have to be Ross’ fourth marriage.
She would also be exempt from having to explain to the state of New York (and her child) how she had previously been married to Ross thanks to a drunken night in Vegas (though Ross tried to stay married and keep it a secret from Rachel — again, sad), but then they had a baby together, which again we can attribute to “one drunken night,” then later thought, “JAY KAY YOU GUYS!” and decided to get married again. “Guess what, Emma? Our whole family unit is basically a product of decisions made under the influence of alcohol!”
Let’s be honest. At least 60 percent of my argument hinges on the fact that Ross, though hilarious, is super lame. I’ve never understood why Rachel held out for him. This would never work in real life.
What do you think: Joey or Ross?